i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize