I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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