Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
