I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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