So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
me + whiskey = a bad person
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
