my mouth tastes like poor choices
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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