why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
