i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
