Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
