I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
