Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
