Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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