ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
50% drunk capacity currently
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
