he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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