I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
