i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
