my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
