I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize