i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
