I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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