You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
