I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
