I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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