Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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