god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
