I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
