I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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