Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
