i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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