Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you had me at cake vodka
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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