I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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