Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
