you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
