Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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