Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
