remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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