omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
