You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
