You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
