Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
