Christians are straight up FREAKS
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
