I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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