he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
