you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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