I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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