My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
