Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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