hell yes lets make some ravioli
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
