i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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