Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
