1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
