woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
