I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize