I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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