my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize