wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
