My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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