i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
im six kinds of drunk right now
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
